| God, the look on
your face� the shock, the pain, the fear�. Death
is a peaceful state, when the body lets go of the soul
and nothing
hurts any more. Being dragged back from that,
being yanked back
to life is agonising. Life is the last thing you
want when the
body is screaming and the threads of your soul are
already being cut. I know how you feel. I'm so glad it's raining because tears in the boss' eyes at such an early stage just wouldn't do. They need me to ground them in this job that has already severed all the anchors they kept them down to earth. I might be a stranger, a mystery, a puzzle for them to keep piecing together. But I'm the one they look to when it all goes somewhere weird, which let's face it, it does every day. The pain in your face is familiar. And I know how it feels to be lying where you are. Eighty more seconds and for you it'll all be over again. I hope you return to where you were, to that peace and happiness. I can't go back. Every time I die, I wake, breathing, tasting copper and feeling the echoes of whatever injuries caused my death. I'm brought back to life. Nothing can kill me. And believe me, over the past and recent years I've tried almost anything. Late at night, when I'm alone, I try the most recent acquisition at its most brutal, hoping something as alien as the thing that did this can undo it. But nothing has yet. And some of it has hurt - more than you're hurting now, take my word for it. I'm so sorry. But this time around you won't die alone. I'm here, I'm with you, and I know how terrified you are. I'll hold your wet and bloody hand until it's over. There's nothing we can do for you. You died long minutes ago, this isn't real, it's just a glitch and soon it'll not even be a memory. I envy you, I do. To have somewhere to go�. I've been stuck here ever since he abandoned me, at least with him I'd have answers, with him I'd have someone who knows how it feels to be here without end. Without him I keep trying and failing to end it. Your eyes close and you die for a second time. After a while I let your hand drop back to the cold puddle of water. You know nothing of it now. It doesn't matter to you where your body lies, what happens next. You're in a better place and you'll be safe there. I know if I ever succeed and Ianto finds my mutilated body one morning, it'll tear them apart. They'll never know about me and it'll hurt them because they'll think they let me down. Maybe I'll leave a note for them. Maybe a letter locked away. My life here, helping earth, it's a fake, just like me. That line I spin about needing to be ready�. What do I care? I don't belong here. It's a port, a stop-off, not somewhere I'm settling. Captain Jack Harkness doesn't settle. I'm here because the rift is here. One day, however long it takes, the TARDIS will return. It'll need the power, or I'll get lucky and find a piece of alien technology that can send out a call and bring the Doctor to me. Whatever it takes. Because one day I want to close my eyes and never again open them. One day I want to shuffle off this mortal prison and find out what's beyond it. One day I want to close my eyes, and the last thing I want to see is his face. |